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Friday, May 28, 2010

Quotes

Today was my second day of PH. It was still a good experience. I got to go to a relaxation garden, had yummy pizza for lunch, and met some new people. My favorite thing that we did today was read through a bunch of quotes and choose our favorites. I wanted to share some with you!

  • A good laugh is sunshine in a house.
    • William Makepeace Thackeray
  • Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.
    • Oprah Winfrey
  • The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
    • G.K. Chesterton
  • A real friend never gets in your way- unless you happen to be on the way down.
    • Dr. Wayne Dyer
  • The deeper the sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
    • Kahlil Gibran
  • Joy is the feeling of grinning on the inside
    • Dr. Melba Colgrove
  • Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
    • Martin Luther King, Jr.
  • Take time every day to do something silly.
    • Philipa Walker
  • To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
    • Oscar Wilde
  • It's important that people should know what you stand for. It's equally important that they know what you won't stand for.
    • Mary H. Waldrip
  • Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps, if you are not willing to move your feet.
  • Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
    • Dinah Shore
  • We can do no great things-- only small things with great love.
    • Mother Teresa
  • Look at everything as though you are seeing it either for the first or last time. Then your time on earth will be filled with glory.
    • Betty Smith
  • To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.
    • Confucius
  • The days are too short even for love; how can there be enough time for quarreling?
    • Margaret Gatty
  • Do not wish to be anything but what you are, and try to be that perfectly.
    • St. Francis de Sales
  • What is a friend? A single soul shared by two people.
    • Aristotle
  • Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

PH Day ONE!!!

Guess what?!!! Today was my first day of PH (partial hospitalization), and it was awesome! First of all, I've discovered that my perfect number of "snoozes" is six, which is the equivalent of half an hour of button-pushing. It's enough that the alarm can go off several times before I even have to know "what that noise is", and I also wake up almost completely by the last two. So I successfully made it to the car, and when my husband dropped me off I was even leaning toward feeling positive about him not getting lost on his way back to the main road.

The whole program is in one room, and all the sessions take place there. When I walked into the room, there were two leaders and zero patients. Well, I later found out that there was one leader and one other patient, except the patient was dressed so nicely and had such good insights that I thought she was a leader! Slowly the other patients arrived, and soon the group started.

The day is broken up into several different "groups". The first one is called "Goals", and everyone takes turns sharing a goal they have for the day, how they're feeling, and anything new that's happening in their lives. I went last, so when I cried during my goal, I knew I was the only one who did. My goal was to not have a major panic attack. My tendency to quit and run away when I get scared was screaming inside me, and I felt extremely anxious. However, when I told the group that I was scared I would quit, they said they wouldn't let me! They also pointed out that even though quitting isn't much better than failing (which is what I'm soooo afraid of) the reason we prefer to quit is because it's on our terms and in our control. That made sense.

The next group is called "Coping Skills" but I missed that today because I had to go fill out paperwork. Oh, that reminds me, I have an assignment that I have to return Friday. I hope I don't forget! Next was "Group Therapy" which was led by a very nice woman. When I first saw her I thought, "Wow, what a pretty woman in her twenties!" It turns out, she was forty one! That's not old, but it's a bit beyond twenty eight!

Next was lunch, which I promised I'd tell you about. We each got a voucher that was supposedly worth up to five dollars, but I found out that they don't really care how much you spend as long as it's reasonable. I had a turkey cutlet that looked like a pork tenderloin, some delicious party potatoes, some mixed veggies, a big cookie, and caffeine free diet Pepsi (my fav)!!! In addition to the "home cooked" foods, they have pizza, a grill, and a salad bar. I look forward to eating there many more times. However, hopefully how I eat there will change as I go through treatment.

After lunch we had another group that I can't remember the name of, but I know the leader wasn't my favorite. Unfortunately, I think she's also the Coping Skills leader, so I'll have to get used to her. I was pretty sleepy during this session because it was right after lunch and I didn't talk at all.

The last group of the day was really fun. It was called "Recreation". Apparently sometimes that means a field trip, but today that meant ice cream! We made our own ice cream using just ziploc baggies. I'll put the recipe at the bottom of this post. When we were done with our ice cream we finished the day by talking about planning activities on our own. It's important for us "sick people" to get out to the house! There was also supposed to be a "Community Group" at the end of the day but we didn't have that.

I have a funny story for you. Today someone brought in a stuffed monkey to be the program mascot, and we were trying to name it. Someone said "How about 'Dr. Phil'?" Right then some other people entered the room just as someone else responded, "Yeah, Dr. Phil is cute!" The people that walked in thought we meant that the man Dr. Phil was attractive, and we had to explain it to them. Then I joked, "Yeah, Dr. Phil's a hottie!" and  we all cracked up.

ZipLoc Ice Cream

Place in a pint size freezer bag:
1/2 c half and half or milk
1 T powdered sugar
1 T flavored syrup (strawberry, chocolate, etc)

Place in a quart size freezer bag:
1/2 c rock salt
2 c ice

Squeeze the air out of the pint size bag and seal it carefully. Place the pint bag inside the quart bag. Leaving a little air inside, seal the quart bag with the pint bag inside it. Shake the package for 5-15 minutes or until your ice cream solidifies. Remove the pint bag, and discard the quart bag with the ice and salt. Scoop the contents of the pint bag into a bowl or eat it out of the bag and enjoy!

Monday, May 24, 2010

A New (and Last) Hope

I found out that my insurance approved me for partial hospitalization. I have a feeling I'm going to be using that phrase a lot, so from now on, partial hospitalization = PH. I start the day after tomorrow at 9:00 AM (This = YIKES for a girl that normally sleeps in every day.) I am going to spend 6 1/2 hours a day three days a week there. My psychiatrist is happy because I won't be able to sleep all day and I will get exercise. The hospital is a mile away, and although my husband is going to drop me off in the morning, I have to walk home in the afternoon. This should be fine when it's not too hot out, but holy moly is it hot and humid today. Overall, I'm excited about this new experience and the people I'm going to meet.

SIDE NOTE: Want to hear something that's oh so predictable if you take into account my food problems? I'm excited to eat in the hospital cafeteria. I'm pretty sure that excitement will fade as soon as I discover that it's as mediocre as most hospital food, but until then, I'm looking forward to it.

I'll be back in a couple of days to let you know how the first day (including the food) goes.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Treatment Options

I thought I should go over some treatment options for disorders like mine (binge eating and bipolar). Most psychiatric disorders have similar treatment options. While the content of treatment may vary, the setting and format are usually very similar between disorders. I'm going to list some options, attempting (key word, there) to put them in order from least to most severe.

Support Groups are groups of people with similar issues that get together to offer support and insight to one another. Many times these are non-profit (they are not expensive but may request donations) and often there is no professional leader. Some examples include Overeaters Anonymous (http://www.oa.org/) and support groups affiliated with the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (http://www.dbsalliance.org/)

Group Therapy involves a group of people with similar issues participating in therapy led by a professional. The advantage that Group Therapy has over Support Groups is that the professional can ensure that the group's discussions are productive and constructive. The disadvantage is that Group Therapy involves formal fees, although health insurance may cover all or part of them.

Individual Counseling includes various forms of mental health counseling, occupational therapy, nutritional counseling (dietitian) and any other form of therapy or counseling that relate to a person's disorder. Many times the patient would meet with the counselor anywhere between once a week and once a month. This is a good option because it offers one on one personalized attention by a professional but is less time consuming and costly than other options.

Psychiatry involves a psychiatrist (a doctor that has additional training in mental health) meeting with a patient to diagnose disorders and prescribe medication. Many people are hesitant to take medicine, and while everyone has the right to make that choice, sometimes there is truly a physical chemical imbalance that needs to be treated with medication. I know personally that although my psychiatrist and I haven't found the perfect balance of medication for me yet, the medicine I am taking is helping a lot.

Partial Hospitalization involves a patient spending a number of hours certain days of the week in a hospital treatment setting, and going home every night to be with his or her family and to practice what he or she is learning. This is much more intensive because the patient spends many more hours a week in treatment. It's also convenient because the patient gets many forms of treatment in one place: group therapy, individual counseling, and sometimes psychiatry. This is what I am going to be participating in.

Residential Treatment occurs when a patient goes to stay for a period of time at a non-hospital treatment center. This offers 24 hour support including all of the treatment aspects of partial hospitalization, but it's not as intense or severe as complete hospitalization. I've always been very interested in this option, but it is very expensive and many insurance policies do not cover it.

Hospitalization is for patients that need acute care. It it includes all the treatment aspects of partial hospitalization and residential treatment at a much more intense level.  Many times patients will be discharged from hospitalization and then participate in partial hospitalization or residential treatment as a transition.

I hope that this has been a good overview of treatment options, and that it helps you understand some of the differences.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My eating disorder diagnosis

Yesterday I had my initial eating disorder assessement. This is how it went.

My mom picked me up and took me there for moral support. She didn't plan to go into the assessment with me, she was just there to calm my nerves beforehand and discuss the experience afterward. As we sat in the waiting room, I felt pretty good. I was excited to finally get some hope. A very nice woman came and took my paperwork, and I was happy to hear that she was going to be one of the people assessing me. When I was ushered into the assessment room, there were many heartfelt apologies because they were running ten minutes behind. I told them it was no big deal because my psychiatrist has been almost an hour late before. (It's ok, she's a great psychiatrist, even the people at the assessment has heard of her and said she was great, which I already knew.)

There were three people doing the assessment as a team. There was a counselor, a psychiatric nurse, and a dietitian. They asked me questions for about an hour. They were so nice, and kept telling me I was doing a great job. (Later, my mom told them that I need a lot of positive feedback, and although that was news to me, it makes sense when I think about it.) The questions were fairly painless.

Next, they took me back to the waiting room and said they had to discuss my diagnosis privately for 5 or 10 minutes. Well, 20 minutes later I was still waiting, very anxiously I might add. My mom was there, and she did her best to calm my nerves. I was just nervous because I wasn't sure if the questions they had asked me captured exactly how much I'm struggling. My worst fear was that they wouldn't give me a diagnosis.

They finally came back for me, and they had (what was in my opinion) relieving news. Binge Eating Disorder isn't an official diagnosis because it currently falls under the category of Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (NOS). However, Binge Eating Disorder is what I have.

They had a couple of treatment suggestions. The first one was Overeaters Anonymous. While I respect 12 step programs (AA works great for my dad) I've tried OA and it didn't work for me. I was excited to hear their next suggestion, though. They recommended that because of my bipolar disorder and my eating disorder, I should try partial hospitalization. The hospital where I went for this has very reputable psychiatric services. The partial hospitalization program isn't specifically for eating disorders, but they would work in an eating disorder counselor and a dietitian just to help me. Basically how it would work is that for about 6 hours a day three days a week, I would go to the hospital and participate in the program. I would go home every night. (Yay for seeing my husband!) Basically, it would be pretty intensive but I wouldn't have to go away from home. It sounds great to me!

This morning, I called the contact person for the program, and she and I set up an appointment for tomorrow to start the process of getting it pre-approved for my insurance. I'm nervous, but mostly excited to be moving forward!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

How do I feel?

I just finished filling out the paperwork for my assessment. I'm having mixed feelings about my appointment. I'm scared that the people there will say, "Sara, you don't have a problem, just deal with it!" That's a pretty irrational fear, but it's real. Also, I have a quitting tendency that I'm very concerned about. It has a lot to do with my bipolar disorder, but I will get really excited about doing something new and I'll do great for a couple weeks, then I'll quit whatever I was trying. I do this with diets, therapists, exercise programs, jobs, and many other things. These people at this assessment are  my last resort. (I'll talk about all my previous resorts in a future blog.) If I quit on them (or in the unlikely case they quit on me) I  am out of other options. I don't know what I would do. So, I simply have to feel hopeful about this experience. Because if I don't, what else can I put my hope in?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Eating Disorders Overview

So, my eating disorder assessement is three days away, and I thought I'd share some basic information about different types of eating disorders. There are three major types:

Anorexia Nervosa occurs when someone extremely limits his or her caloric intake and is often at a less than healthy weight.

Bulimia Nervosa occurs when someone cycles through bingeing and compansating. Compensatory behaviors include vomiting, using laxatives, or excessive exercise.

Binge Eating Disorder occurs when a person binges but does not compensate. Because this includes an intake of huge numbers of calories without getting rid of those calories, people with Binge Eating Disorder are often overweight or obese. (I think that I have this.)

Eating disorders also involve distorted and drastic views about food, weight, and body image.

To learn more about eating disorders, visit the National Eating Disorders website at

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/index.php

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

THE Reason

Hi! I'm Sara, and this is my blog!

I should start with a bit about me. I'm 20 years old, I live in Iowa, and I'm happily married. My favorite things include music, hugs, and empathy. That's the good stuff. Unfortunately, I also weigh 245 pounds and I can't stop eating. This blog is about my journey to figure out why that is and overcome it.

I was a healthy weight and a healthy eater most of my life. Then, something happened to me; I began to experience symptoms of depression. My mom took me to a doctor, and then a psychiatrist, but nothing seemed to help. I got worse and worse until finally, when I was 17, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This is important because up until I started experiencing related symptoms, I had a healthy love of food, and nothing more.

I began seeking refuge in food. I would use it as a coping mechanism. (Today it is one of my only sources of comfort, along with my husband.) I started to spend more and more of my money on food. I would eat dinner with my family, then retreat to them basement with a stash of food and retreat from the world. As the months passed, I developed an increasin number of unhealthy eating behaviors, and my weight climbed higher and higher.

Today food is my best friend and my worst enemy. I go through an enormous range of emotions when I eat, and these emotions are only magnified by my bipolar disorder. On one hand, I cultivate so much joy and ecstacy from food, and on the other hand, it is causing various aspects of my life to make me miserable.

I have embarked on a journey to discover why I have such an unhealthy relationship with food, and seek professional help for my behaviors and underlying causes. I also hope to find a path to healing, a healthy weight and body image, and a normal life. I have taken the first step in this journey; I suspect I have an eating disorder, and I have an upcoming appointment for an assessment at an eating disorder clinic.

I look forward to chronicaling my experiences here as a way to celebrate to joys and lament the hardships of this journey, and I invite you to join me!