THE Reason

Hi! I'm Sara, and this is my blog!

I should start with a bit about me. I'm 20 years old, I live in Iowa, and I'm happily married. My favorite things include music, hugs, and empathy. That's the good stuff. Unfortunately, I also weigh 245 pounds and I can't stop eating. This blog is about my journey to figure out why that is and overcome it.

I was a healthy weight and a healthy eater most of my life. Then, something happened to me; I began to experience symptoms of depression. My mom took me to a doctor, and then a psychiatrist, but nothing seemed to help. I got worse and worse until finally, when I was 17, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This is important because up until I started experiencing related symptoms, I had a healthy love of food, and nothing more.

I began seeking refuge in food. I would use it as a coping mechanism. (Today it is one of my only sources of comfort, along with my husband.) I started to spend more and more of my money on food. I would eat dinner with my family, then retreat to them basement with a stash of food and retreat from the world. As the months passed, I developed an increasin number of unhealthy eating behaviors, and my weight climbed higher and higher.

Today food is my best friend and my worst enemy. I go through an enormous range of emotions when I eat, and these emotions are only magnified by my bipolar disorder. On one hand, I cultivate so much joy and ecstacy from food, and on the other hand, it is causing various aspects of my life to make me miserable.

I have embarked on a journey to discover why I have such an unhealthy relationship with food, and seek professional help for my behaviors and underlying causes. I also hope to find a path to healing, a healthy weight and body image, and a normal life. I have taken the first step in this journey; I suspect I have an eating disorder, and I have an upcoming appointment for an assessment at an eating disorder clinic.

I look forward to chronicaling my experiences here as a way to celebrate to joys and lament the hardships of this journey, and I invite you to join me!